I know what I know

The past few months I've really been thinking about my testimony. What do I believe? What do I really know to be true? The last three fast Sunday's have been very thoughtful days for me, mostly because I've never had enough courage to share it in sacrament meeting- or anywhere in public for that matter. I always get the feeling to go up and share what I know- granted it's sometimes from whoever is sitting next to me! I love to hear what everyone else has to say. I love to hear what they know... and that just strengthens my testimony! I'm just too chicken to even talk in front of my little ward. This past fast Sunday in particular has had a big impact on my views of testimony. I was preparing to share- yes I'm that scared, so I had to pump myself up for it haha. I figured I could quiet some of the people that nudge me to go up and do something for myself. This was the week I was going to share it. People could listen to me for a minute, right? Wrong! Once I walked into the chapel fear overcame me. There was no way I was getting up... no matter what anyone said, even if I was dragged up to the pulpit- I just couldn't do it. A friend told me to go up and share because they knew my testimony was freakin strong. I let my fear get in the way and just blew it off... but what she said really got me thinking. I have to admit that my first thought was "well if you know I have a strong testimony-why do I need to share it? take that!". I know, I know, not the best thoughts I could be having, but it led me to better ones. I got to thinking about how others share their testimonies even though people know they have strong ones. I started thinking about how much I loved hearing their testimonies- even if they do get up every fast Sunday. What if somebody needed to hear what I had to say, but I let fear get in the way and didn't get up? Why should I be afraid to share what I know with all of my heart? Why am I hiding it, keeping my testimony to myself? Why won't I let anyone hear? Why am I acting so ashamed of the truths that are so evident in my heart? Maybe it's time to get over my fear.... I don't know if I'll ever be comfortable talking, or sharing something that's so personal and dear to me. But one of these days I will share it in public!! For now, I've decided to share it through my blog. I need to take baby steps, but I'll get there :). More little kids get up and share their sweet testimonies in my home ward than adults. They're so excited to share and so proud of their testimony! They aren't afraid to say what they know, even if five other kids have said the same thing, even if it's so simple. I need to be more like a little child- one of the things that holds me back is that others have said what I have to say. I shouldn't let that stop me anymore. My heart seems to burst at the seams every time I hear a truth, every time I hear something that I also know. I don't know if I can put what I feel and know in my heart and soul into words. My heart speaks much louder than my mind- and I kind of need that to tell me what words to say to accurately express my feelings! I just need to have faith that the spirit will share what I feel in my heart even if there's no way for me to put them into words.

I know that my redeemer lives, He is my rock, my salvation. He's my best friend- He's ALWAYS there for me. Although I have neglected him way too many times, he's waiting for me with his arms wide open- just a prayer away. He has saved each and every one of us. Not only from our sins, but from our sorrows, griefs, fears, pains. He has wiped away my tears and comforted me in every single trial. He surrounds me with guardian angels- from both the other side and angels here on earth to comfort and protect me. Oh how sweet it is to see and feel His love in everything. I know that He lives and loves me. He knows me better than I know myself. There is a plan and I need to go by His plan- Not mine! Everything happens for a reason. Every loss, death, accomplishment, decision, etc. are all part of His plan! Life can be soooo hard, but it is for a reason. We grow and learn so much and can become so much closer to our Lord. Anything is possible through Christ and that strengthens me. I know I wouldn't be who I am today if I hadn't experienced the things that I have. Every trial has taught me something that I wouldn't have been able to learn any other way... or maybe was to stubborn to learn the easy way haha. My testimony has been strengthened through each and every hardship. I'm not saying I handle my trials with a positive attitude and love them because that is definitely not true. I haven't had the best reactions to what has happened to me most of the time- I do learn to have faith in the Lord's plan eventually and finally learn what I'm supposed to. It would be so much easier if I just had faith that everything is going to work out for my good. I need to trust my savior, if we could all do that we would be so happy! I know that He lives. I know it with all of my heart. He knows each and every one of us, He understands. He knows what's best for us. I know that because He lives, we will all live again. I know that I will be able to see my loved ones again, and I know that they aren't too far from where we are. Our savior is merciful and during special circumstances we get to feel those loved one's with us. He lets them be a part of our lives even though we can't see them. Even if it's just for a moment- I cherish those sweet moments with everything I have. I've been so blessed to be raised in this gospel. Without it I would be so lost and confused. I know that families are forever, the temple is such a blessing in my life. I look forward to the day when I can do more than baptisms. I look forward to the day I get to go there with the man of my dreams and be sealed for time and all eternity. I know that through Christ's atonement we can be cleansed from all of our sins to be worthy to enter into His sacred home. It's never too late and never too far to turn around. There will always be a road back to Christ:). We have so many guidelines to live by- help along the way. The scriptures, holy ghost, prophets, apostles, ward members and leaders, family, and friends. Even a direct line of communication with our father in heaven! Prayer is such a blessing. It's like a cell phone that never dies or loses signal, and the person at the other end will never ignore you, not even at 3 in the morning or when you ask for something seemingly impossible. He will always answer. Always and no matter what! It may not be the way we want or expect, it may not be in the time we want it to happen, but we will get an answer. I love this gospel and I know it's true. I know that I am a daughter of God. More often than not I forget that. I forget what that really means. I feel at times that I'll never be good enough and there's no way that I can get back to Him or that He can still love me. But I am His daughter and that will ALWAYS be enough. I have grown so much in the last few months. I have my savior to thank for that. I'm thankful for the holy ghost and his quiet promptings. For those who have listened to his promptings and acted on them in my behalf. I hope to become more like Christ, to at least see others as he does, to love them like he does. I don't know how I know what I do in my mind, but my heart knows. And I know this church is true, and everything about it is true!

My words might just seem like rambling, but I hope this touches whoever reads this. I hope somebody can feel some peace, just one person. I love you all! :) and Christ loves you more:)